Mummyhood changes your life profoundly. It makes you realise how miraculous God has created the human body to be – to bring life into being and to be able to nourish a little one to give him/her the best start in life.
I am 7 months into my breastfeeding journey now, and there are many times when I feel that I am ready to give it up. Having my life scheduled around four to five-hourly pump/ breastfeeding sessions can be very restrictive and fatiguing, but i recently saw an ad that fuelled my desire to keep going again. Mummies have been given the ability to give the best to their babies, so why not ‘milk’ it while we can?
Waking up at 4am in the morning, tiptoeing around a semi-dark bedroom trying to get all sorts of things done.
The tireless research on the Internet trying to make sense of a new behavior or experience, or hunting down items that will streamline the food production process – all these while the pump drones on.
I’ve ceased blogging for a long time.
Perhaps it’s because I realized that most of my potential posts over the last few months would have be more of laments and monologues laced with deep disappointments and confusion. Yes, a catharsis for my soul it’ll be if written down… Yet this year, I wanna move beyond cathartic measures to truly something that will completely heal, restore and recalibrate my life.
It’s Day 2 of the YWAM renewal retreat… And I’m confronted with how closed and damaged my heart has become. Wanted so much to engage with God again…but a part of me has shut down. I got reminded about how I fractured my ribs last year in school of dance. It took me almost 2months of rest and no dancing before I could move without pain again. That, i believe.. Is a reflection of my spiritual being now. Sick and broken hearts also need time to close shop and heal. I hope it won’t take too long though. I want to start flying.
Dan Sneed shared a mini essay today that woke me up.
Learn to love and treasure today and not let the past’s regrets or fears of tomorrow rob you of the joy for today.
This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad he did.
Yes…I’m rather tired of waking up depressed and trudging through each day. I want to learn to make each day matter even if I’m not at the epitome of freedom and joy yet. It’ll come, I know.
THE STATION
Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train.
Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village halls.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true, and the pieces of our lives will together like a jigsaw puzzle.
How restlessly we pace the aisles… Waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
“When we reach the station, that will be it, ” we cry.
“When I’m 18…”
“When I buy a new 450SL Mercedes-Benz…”
“When I put the last kid through college…”
“When I have paid off the mortgage…”
“When I get a promotion…”
” When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after.”
Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.
“Relish the moment” is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad.”
It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fears of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.
Uncertain of the Next Step, but Certain of God
by Jon Walker
“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3 (NIV)
Oswald Chambers says we can be uncertain of the next step, but we can be certain of God.
When my oldest son first started playing baseball, he was still relatively young and not used to a life lived around clocks and calendars. So it wasn’t uncommon for him to ask, “Is my game today?” “How many days until Saturday?”
Jesus says this childlike nature is necessary to enter the kingdom of heaven. My son wasn’t questioning if something would happen; in fact, he was confident that it would. But he was dependent upon my wife or me to tell him when it would happen. ?
Oswald Chambers, in My Utmost for His Highest, says, “The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty.” He says we can be certain of God, even if we are uncertain of the next step he wants us to take. We can be certain of God’s plan for us, even if we are uncertain of the specific details. Even though we’re uncertain, we can be confident God will not disappoint us (Romans 5:5).
This also means we can release the things we have no responsibility for and stop worrying about them. For instance, my son could be certain I would get him to the ball game, but he didn’t have to be concerned with how much gas it would require or how to get to the baseball field. He could just enjoy being a child and live in each moment, trusting that I was handling the details and that I would let him know when was time to go.
This is the childlike faith Jesus wants us to develop, where we grow confident each day that he will come through at just the right time and in just the right way.
We are the ones who color in the emotional landscape with our choices as we face the circumstance of the day – both the routine and the unexpected, woven in as the Lord pleases.
It is apparently quite a controversial book, but one that nevertheless brought me new insights into what it means to know a personal God who truely cares for each of us and journeys with us through life’s pains and sorrows. I personally enjoyed the book, and wished that one day I would be able to communicate with Daddy God in as personal a way, and to sense His presence so tangibly. But until then, I’m thankful that He still uses small things in everyday life like this book to remind me He is never far away.
Some lovely morsels that I would like to share from the book:
(Of course, what I pick will be things that I’m learning in my own life, so it’s subjective ^_^)
The Shack
Mack..”I supposed i would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future.” …. (God:)”It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can’t. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t even real… You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear.”… “The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love.”
(Jesus:) “The world is broken because in Eden, you abandon relationship with us (The Trinity) to assert your own independence…. Women, in general, will find it difficult to turn from a man and stop demanding that he meets their needs, provides security, and protects their identity, and return to me. Men, in general, find it very hard to turn from the works of their hands, their own quests for power and security and significance, and return to me.”
* * *
I realize that storybooks often speaks to the heart more than any theological discussion could ever do so. And it’s the same with works of art, isn’t it? They hint to you of something greater, much more marvelous than what we could fully comprehend with our finite minds, and brings a sense of true wonder. Sure enough, criticisms and theological discussions may inform and enrich the mind greatly, and also help one develop discernment. Yet the child in me yearns every once in awhile, for a tale that will move the heart as God reveals His complexity and greatness, and His Father’s love for me in a way no intelligent words or concepts could ever do.
Things look different when you view them from above.
I spent a lovely morning with God today at the sky roof area of my block. A new year dawns, and I yearn for a new heart to start it with. 2011 seems promising so far – got offered an intensive year-long dance program with Moving Arts, possible dance jobs with Joyful Steps and Rhythm Studio, and working towards my Pilates mat certification. Uncertainty still looms though. I guess I will always grapple with these emotions when I choose the path less traveled.
Did I choose rightly?
I know I won’t find out until I begin the journey.
I read this from the Message Bible today:
“Biblical religion has a low tolerance for “great ideas” or “sublime truths” or “inspirational thoughts” apart from the people and places in which they occur. God’s great love and purposes for us are worked out in the messes, storms and sins, blue skies, daily work, and dreams of our common lives, working with us as we are and not as we should be.” – Eugene Peterson
It made me smile to read that. For an idealist like me who cherish ideas and dreams, it was a wake-up call, but a comforting one at that. I’m relieved God’s got my back even when I stumble along this little unknown path that I’m on now.
Robust faith is needed to keep one moving through the stages. Pastor Rennis put it aptly during covenant service: Robust faith is a refusal to give in to our fears. (and may I add... a refusal to be incapacitated by our heartaches. YAAA!)
I can’t resist posting this. The video accompanying this is a lil’ cheesy, but the song tickles me in such a sweet way, and I can’t stop singing along to it! : )
Walkin' into Fullness 