Walkin' into Fullness

{November 18, 2011}   Enjoy the journey

I’ve ceased blogging for a long time.
Perhaps it’s because I realized that most of my potential posts over the last few months would have be more of laments and monologues laced with deep disappointments and confusion. Yes, a catharsis for my soul it’ll be if written down… Yet this year, I wanna move beyond cathartic measures to truly something that will completely heal, restore and recalibrate my life.

It’s Day 2 of the YWAM renewal retreat… And I’m confronted with how closed and damaged my heart has become. Wanted so much to engage with God again…but a part of me has shut down. I got reminded about how I fractured my ribs last year in school of dance. It took me almost 2months of rest and no dancing before I could move without pain again. That, i believe.. Is a reflection of my spiritual being now. Sick and broken hearts also need time to close shop and heal. I hope it won’t take too long though. I want to start flying.

Dan Sneed shared a mini essay today that woke me up.
Learn to love and treasure today and not let the past’s regrets or fears of tomorrow rob you of the joy for today.

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad he did.
Yes…I’m rather tired of waking up depressed and trudging through each day. I want to learn to make each day matter even if I’m not at the epitome of freedom and joy yet. It’ll come, I know.

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train.
Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village halls.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true, and the pieces of our lives will together like a jigsaw puzzle.
How restlessly we pace the aisles… Waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
“When we reach the station, that will be it, ” we cry.
“When I’m 18…”
“When I buy a new 450SL Mercedes-Benz…”
“When I put the last kid through college…”
“When I have paid off the mortgage…”
“When I get a promotion…”
” When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after.”
Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.
“Relish the moment” is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad.”
It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fears of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.

Robert J. Hastings


Things look different when you view them from above.

I spent a lovely morning with God today at the sky roof area of my block. A new year dawns, and I yearn for a new heart to start it with. 2011 seems promising so far – got offered an intensive year-long dance program with Moving Arts, possible dance jobs with Joyful Steps and Rhythm Studio, and working towards my Pilates mat certification. Uncertainty still looms though. I guess I will always grapple with these emotions when I choose the path less traveled.

Did I choose rightly?
I know I won’t find out until I begin the journey.

I read this from the Message Bible today:
“Biblical religion has a low tolerance for “great ideas” or “sublime truths” or “inspirational thoughts” apart from the people and places in which they occur. God’s great love and purposes for us are worked out in the messes, storms and sins, blue skies, daily work, and dreams of our common lives, working with us as we are and not as we should be.” – Eugene Peterson

It made me smile to read that. For an idealist like me who cherish ideas and dreams, it was a wake-up call, but a comforting one at that. I’m relieved God’s got my back even when I stumble along this little unknown path that I’m on now.

Robust faith is needed to keep one moving through the stages. Pastor Rennis put it aptly during covenant service: Robust faith is a refusal to give in to our fears. (and may I add... a refusal to be incapacitated by our heartaches. YAAA!)

{February 28, 2010}   The day God breathed life into me

It’s pretty fun telling everyone I just turned 18 whenever they ask me how old I am.

Then again, perhaps it’s that age insecurity thing that so many of us women fall into when we hit the late 20s. We put all sorts of restrictions on ourselves, and then we start using them as convenient excuses.

“I’m too old to dance, too old to dream and I gotta be realistic.”

“I used to be that energetic and friendly.” (points lazily at the 19yr old gal who is busy talking to everyone else in the room)

“I’ll be left on a shelf if I don’t find a boy soon, and yeah, my eggs are dying.” (This is one of the most hilarious ones I’ve heard from my guy pals)

Anyway, I’m getting tired of convincing myself that I’m getting too old to dance, and I’m incomplete ‘cuz I ain’t got someone special who I’m getting married to before i hit 30, and that I’m quite incompetent for not having it all figured out in my career direction.

My wish for this year?

To learn to breathe slowly and deeply each time I open my eyes to a new day. To be focused and be excellent with what I have in my hands right now. To love God without stating my terms and conditions, and let Him love me to bits.

I wonder what God was thinking about when He first breathed life into me?

_ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ – _ –

My friends made February an incredibly sweet month for me. Really sweet surprises on my birthday from my dance friends, and lovely presents all the way from Singapore. Oh… I hesitated to open each big parcel I got through the post, ‘cuz I wanted to savor the moment I held it in my hands, and know that I meant something to the person who bothered to spent all that money and effort to love me in this way.

My first attempt at cooking Hainanese chicken rice for the dancers. Wanted to bless them with a lil' Singaporean flava'! They loved the ginger sauce. (Thank you Prima Taste!)

This is Tiia and the lovely bowl of fruits and the lip-smacking cream/chocolate/biscuit cake the YWAM Hospitality made for me.

Holly blessed me with a latte 🙂

Presents galore! The earrings were such a blessing because I didn't bring any jewellery here. I can sparkle again 😉 And the book is a hilarious read! Debbie gal u rock!

I got treated to some locally-brewed beer at Tamarack Brewing Company, and I got a free Pizza Dough. Oh yeah~... I love birthdays.

Look at what Peishan got me! It was like the Chinese New Year atmosphere just wafted to Lakeside through the mail. 🙂 I got those little dollies up on my wall now.

Chinese New YR goodies from Peishan.. and she even took time to explain the ingredients for each one. I feel the love, sister!

Kombucha! My friend, Arli taught me how to drink this fermented chinese tea that is apparently great for your health. It tastes deliciously funky.

Look at what Yun got me! An uber hot beanie to brave the snow and a declaration of love... hahaha. (Just got my bangs this week... kinda like the change)

Shan just knows my colour sense so well... I'm modeling for Shan's apparel. The bag is such a treat!

I got a lovely white Baby G Shock and loads of spice pastes thru' the mail this week. What a blessing... there's a problem with my old watch strap, so this was so timely. Utterly blessed!

{January 24, 2010}   Thought of the Morning

I am not who I feel I am.

I am who God thinks I am.

{January 23, 2010}   Enjoy My Presence

I woke up today with these words on my mind… Enjoy my presence.

I was dreaming again last night… saying goodbyes and explaining to some dear ones how certain things cannot be. It’s interesting how vivid my dreams are when I’m here. I usually don’t remember my dreams when I’m back in Singapore.

I decided to do a little video to show what I woke up to today. Be prepared… I look like I just tumbled out of bed (which i kinda did actually).

It’s been only two weeks, but I felt like so much has happened.

Been reflecting a bit about how I found myself so far away from home, and I can’t help but see God’s fingerprints in it all…

Since I received the acceptance email from YWAM on Nov 17th, 2009, it’s been a whirlwind of decisions and prayer and preparation. My heart was in such a state of disorder. I was in disbelief that I was being given the choice to choose dance. And if I said yes, it would be so soon…

Yet when my mum gave the impossible consent, released the money for me and then getting another confirmation through Pastor Lewis’ prayer that Sunday (and a few more other confirmations through friends), I felt deeply that God was opening these doors so widely so that I will not missed it. It was hard to leave loved ones for sure, but here was an opportunity of a lifetime. A time of healing, restoration and rest. A chance for new beginnings. A time of hearing God’s heart for dance in my life. Despite so much of me saying no and wanting to hold on to what makes me secure, I felt compelled to take this step of faith.

And so I did.

I’m still asking God why, every single day. Oh me of little faith! But I’m also reminding myself of some promises that God gave me before I left home…

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear… There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.” Psalm 46

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert… to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself, that they might declare my praise.” Isaiah 43

Here are some pictures of my room during the last week of home… The room really reflected what I felt in my heart that week!!

Hui Hsien came to make packing more bearable for me!

And so did a few sweet people who did the final overhaul with me. Love~.

et cetera